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Post by indigo harley kessler on Aug 14, 2011 1:24:09 GMT -5
 cold, bitchy, self-centered, those were only three of the words some people used to describe the young woman. that was all that everyone ever saw when it came to her, and absolutely nothing else. no one ever seemed to be able some of the good that still existed inside of her. yes, in fact, there had already been some good inside this girl. and it most definitely was not their fault that most of the people she met could not see any of it. for a few years now, even though it seemed to her like forever, she had been hiding everything she ever felt. the reason? well, it was pretty simple. fear explained everything. the simple yet very complicated fear of getting hurt by anyone and everyone. the fear of showing her true feelings, her weakness to everyone. however, the only thing was that she had never been actually used before by anyone. she had only been hurt in the deepest way anyone could have ever been hurt. her heart had been broken. but not simply broken like it was when the boy you thought was the love of your life ended up cheating on you and then breaking up with you, no. the only and very person she had ever loved had died, passed away, disappeared from her side forever and there was no way that she could ever communicate with him again. to her, her grandfather had always been the only person that understood her, that knew exactly just what she was going through and knew how she felt about everything that was going on with her parents, how they barely even noticed she existed because they always were too busy doing drugs or getting drunk. as a kid, her grandparents would be the ones who would always take care of her. her parents would drop her off over at their place every weekend and during vacations and she would spend all of her time there. unlike every single one of her cousins, she even had her own room there. and she was even more close to her grandfather since he would be the ones showing her all the cool things that she could do to have fun. he would take her outside and show her around the forest, helping her recognise trees and animals and all that cool stuff. however, just then, when indie was still in middle school, her grandfather starting getting more and more sick, unable to go outside anymore. he would simply sit around all day long, watching television or staring at the wall. it broke her heart to see him like that, him who had been so full of life before this illness had started to destroy him piece by piece. however, what had really crushed her, destroyed her heart completely, made her lose absolutely every single piece of joy that she tried to save escape her fingertips. it was really only then that she became this cold young woman, someone who did not seem to care at all about anything, someone manipulative who would mess with others heads and never be nice to anyone. indigo had stopped talking to her friends for a while. well, until she found what her parents had been using the drugs and alcohol for all those years. she started using them too, getting completely drunk and high, completely trashed at every possible hour of the day, doing the most stupid things any teenager could have possibly done. she was only fourteen at that time and she would get completely fucked, completely messed up, coming home only as the sun rose. and the worst part in all of this was not that she was destroying herself even more than she already was. the worst part was that her parents barely even noticed that she was always out all night, either crashing at leo’s or dylan’s, her two best friends at the time, and still now. but even when it came to them, she had trouble being herself, being the girl she had been back when.. well.. when he was still alive. she refused to let herself get attached to anyone, ever. she refused to love someone as much as she had loved her grandfather and get her heart broken like that all over again, even if she knew she would never be able to love someone the same way anyway. it was simply impossible. so what was the point in even trying to actually love again? that was how she started sleeping around with random boys or with her best friend, or with basically anyone, just like her mother had shown her to do. she would never get attached. this way, there was no chance of her getting weak and getting her feelings hurt all over again. she wanted to stay strong and never give in to having actual feelings for anyone. unless it was pure, simple friendship. she could still handle that. however, everything was happening all over again. dylan was dying. her best friend, the only person she had done everything with these past few years, absolutely everything, was dying. she was starting to feel like her world was slowly but surely tumbling done again. her heart, which she had managed to repair but only slightly over the years, was falling to pieces and there was nothing she could do that would have reversed that painful process. it had soon caused indie to closer herself up even more on the world, forbid herself even more to have any feelings and just be as cold as a human being possibly could have been. she absolutely hated herself for letting herself get attached to someone all over again, for letting someone actually get inside those walls she had built around herself. she was not ready to open one of the doors and let him out anytime soon. but she would be forced to, just like she had been forced to let go of her grandfather. this explained many of the relationships she had with most people she met, but particularly the one she had with kings radley. she was not completely oblivious, even though she showed absolutely no emotion. she knew how to recognise a boy who was into her and the way that she was acting around him, knowing perfectly what he felt for her was just completely the opposite of how the previous indie would have acted, even more the opposite when you knew that she was not totally indifferent to the muscles he had gotten due to the fact he was a football player. well, a girl that was not even slightly attracted to him must have been blind or completely stupid, even though he was probably the biggest douche she had met around here, lately. however, those were not good enough reasons to explain the way she had been acting with him, the way she had treated him. but, at the same time, there was no way that she was going to possibly make it up to him in whatever way. she simply could not. or, in fact, she did not know how. as she sat there at the small table all by herself, she ran one of her hands over her face while the other had its fingers wrapped tightly around her bottle of orange juice. she was still dressed with what she had worn last night, having just woken up at almost one pm and managing to escape the boy’s apartment she had just been at without him noticing any of it. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - credit , to me  tagged , mr kings alexander radley, aka sammmmm. music , what makes you beautiful, 1D. hehehehe. outfit , clickers, bby.words , one two six one. notes , yup, dysfunctionnal at it’s best.
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